"As the repetitive thoughts from the words of my father raced in my head, I was desperately trying to prove to myself that everything would be fine. Entertaining reasoning thoughts counteracted by doubt about myself, I thought. "At least he makes a good living. We are going on a nice honeymoon. I think he loves me even though I do not look the way he would like me to. I wish I were a smaller size. How am I going to enjoy the honeymoon with the way I feel about myself? I don’t want to be seen in a bathing suit."
The sensible words of advice did not adhere. The ceremony went on. I was married. It was done. Just like that. It seemed to happen so quickly.
The marriage was not a happy one. Oh, it seemed so, at least to everyone who knew us, because I always did as I thought I should......smile and say, "everything is fine."
I was blessed to become pregnant and give birth to a wonderful son early on in our marriage. The union lasted for fifteen years. Throughout those years, I continued to define my self-worth by how I looked. My weight, the size of my body, my hair, my clothes, my make-up; the list goes on and on. I was always comparing myself to other women, longing to have a part of them that I saw as being better than what I had. The pattern of making poor choices continued because I did not see who I was, more importantly, I did not really know whose I was.
Once I discovered the gift of being in a close relationship with Jesus, it was clear to me that this was the missing link. It was a time of transformation for me. My life changed and my confidence soared, not in who I was but whose I was. God chose me and He loves me, truly loves ME more than anyone else ever could. My self-worth is not defined by how I look or who I am with. It is defined by God.
Although I have discovered the freedom of not comparing myself to other women, I still struggle with the issue just like everyone else. To this day I could look at a photo and tell you my approximate weight and quickly find all my flaws. That is the enemy though filling my head with lies. Our Father sees us as beautiful perfect creations, flawless and blameless."
As told by Kristin Martinez, President of Sarai's Mirror